John Cook/Lauren Cook: When a dad coaches his daughter

Our son and daughter played a lot of sports growing up. Like many parents, we were occasionally their coach.

It’s tough to coach your own kid.

Nebraska head coach John Cook

Nebraska’s John Cook was reminded of that lesson the hard way Sunday when his daughter, Lauren—who is also his team’s star setter—was arrested in Lincoln. Lauren Cook, 20, is scheduled to be arraigned next Tuesday on charges of driving with a suspended license (reportedly her penalty for numerous previous speeding violations) and of leaving the scene of an accident, in which a man on the side of the road ended up with a broken leg. (It appears uncontested that, soon after the incident, Lauren Cook called her mom and then the police.)

Revered in Nebraska for his string of success and tough-guy image, John Cook strikes many opposing fans and coaches as arrogant and, on occasion, condescending and sarcastic. John Cook is not a cuddly guy.

But as a fellow parent, I certainly feel for the Cook family. And that said, I wonder whether John Cook will have the chance to contemplate a couple of likely lessons from his incredibly difficult situation.

LESSON ONE: KEEP AN EYE ON THE REAL VICTIM

At what must have been (for him, especially) an emotional press conference Monday afternoon, Cook said, in part:

"It's days like this I wish my kid was a sorority girl and then this probably wouldn't be a big deal."

He went on to say:

“Probably (at) 95 percent of volleyball programs, we wouldn't be talking about this."

Wrong answers, coach.

In a city like Lincoln (pop. 250,000), a sorority girl breaking a man’s leg while minding his own business would be a big deal. The man’s injuries were certainly a big deal to him. His family and neighbors have a right to raise their voices—loudly—if they learn a Nebraska student is driving recklessly in their neighborhood on a suspended license.

And, really now, would the good folks of Lincoln be any less interested if the driver was a swimmer or golfer instead of a volleyball player? It’s reasonable to assume that the driver’s father would still “be talking about this” just one day after the incident no matter what sport his daughter played.

Keep in mind that, according to Lincoln Police, the SUV Lauren was driving belonged to her parents. Assuming the Cooks knew her license was suspended, isn’t it entirely appropriate to ask about dad’s ancillary role in the whole incident, whether or not he was coach of the volleyball team?

The real victims here are the guy with the broken leg and his family. At a minimum, Coach Cook should exercise his public figure privilege to express sympathy for what they are going through. And he should do it publically, with an apology about ever implying it wasn’t a big deal.

LESSON TWO: BE A COACH, BUT BE A DAD FIRST

At Monday’s press conference, Coach Cook announced that daughter Lauren would be treated just like any other player on the team.

"This is one of our players," Cook said. "It doesn't matter if it's Lauren or any one of our other players — it's part of coaching.”

In his role as a coach, Cook said the right thing. He knows he must treat his daughter no better or worse than any of her teammates.

But in his role as a father, I wish he would have said more.

Coaching your own child is littered with landmines. When it comes to coaching decisions, young athletes—and from my experience, young female athletes in particular—can be obsessed with “fairness.” They don’t easily accept that someone else deserves to be ahead on the depth chart unless that decision is clearly the result of repeated, open and honest competition. Players can go nuts at any hint of favoritism.

Lauren Cook is no average setter. As a high school senior, she was named the best volleyball player in the nation. As a UCLA freshman, she was named National Freshman of the Year. She is an athlete with tremendous skills of whom much is expected.

When his daughter transferred last season to Nebraska from UCLA, eyebrows were raised. Cook switched to a two-setter offense, adding his daughter to the lineup while greatly reducing the role of his returning All-American senior setter Sydney Anderson. Some wondered why Cook didn’t simply redshirt Lauren and stick with Anderson through her final season. (Heavily-favored Nebraska lost in the Sweet Sixteen to Washington, with Anderson and Cook splitting the setting chores.)

Was Cook playing favorites? I doubt it. The guy loves to win, and he surely thought he could win with two setters. Did Lauren feel a lot of pressure? Hard to imagine she didn't. But she could probably understand that, in the gym, John was coach, not just father.

But being Lauren’s coach didn’t mean he stopped being her father. Other players have the right to seek counsel and support from their dads, so does Lauren. Other players have bad days with their coach; Lauren is no different. Most kids in her situation need a dad as much or more than they need a coach.

Our daughter—also named Lauren—played high school volleyball for my wife. On countless occasions, our Lauren felt as if comments directed at the team in general were instead directed specifically at her. Coaches and moms are both authority figures, but distinctly different authority figures. An 18- or 19-year-old can often have a hard time sorting that out. (Our Lauren went on to be a four-year Pac-10 letterman--in rowing--and is now a teacher.)

In the case of the Cooks, Lauren has to come to grips with her history of reckless driving (police reports indicate six prior speeding tickets, four of those upheld plus the suspension of her license.) Driving without a license shows disregard for her family, her teammates and—as it turned out—the folks she allegedly injured. Some who exhibit similar behavior have issues of selfishness or entitlement or, in some cases, are crying for a different kind of attention. Whatever it is, it likely can’t be dealt with merely by a one- or two-match suspension.

Since Monday’s press conference, John Cook has avoided the media (except to appear on his own weekly radio show.) At some point, he’ll again have to publically address his daughter’s situation. When he does, I hope he considers saying something like this:

“I am a coach, but I am a father first. My daughter is on my team, but she is more than just one of my players. Her mother and I love her unconditionally, and we will stand by her now and always. In return, I expect Lauren to be forthright and truthful. I expect her to follow the law and—if it comes to that—pay the penalty for anything she might have done. I expect her to reach out to anyone she might have hurt and to ask if she can help make amends. And I expect that she put volleyball on the back burner for as long as it takes to resolve this issue. Our team is talented, we will learn and grow from this experience, and we will welcome Lauren when she is ready.”

Could I do all that if it were me in this situation? I’m not sure. But from the comfort of distance, I think it would be best.

[THIS POST WAS AMENDED TO REFLECT THE CORRECT POPULATION OF LINCOLN, NE]